New Meeting Rooms in Hell! Book Now!
Calling all Minions of Beelzebub! All Demons of the Night! All of the Dark Lord's Booking Agents! NEW CONDOS AVAILABLE ON BURNING MARL TERRACE AND FIERY DOOM COURT IN HELL!
Limited time, limited availability! They are going fast! Let me tell you a little bit about our newest offering at Satan's Court Condominiums! Booking now! Tell me, have you ever been given a client that has been almost admirably bad on earth? Scumbag? Doesn’t pick up after their dog on the street? Orders the chili fries and calamari “for the table”, but then only pays for one beer when the bill arrives? Have you ever wondered, "where am I going to put this person to make sure their experience of eternal damnation and ceaseless torture lives up the standards that all Hell Transfer Agents adhere to? Well search no more! We have the place for you! Welcome to the spanking new Satan's Court Condominiums located on Burning Marl Terrace (and that is with real burning marl) and Fiery Doom Court (with random lava explosions daily). The engineers in Hell have discovered that staff meetings are the way to go for eternal anguish and everlasting damnation. You want your punished to really FEEL punished. Nine out of ten damned souls voted long, boring staff meetings as a torture worse than hot poker anal prodding for all eternity. Nine out of ten!
These generic, boxy condominiums each come with only one room, completely furnished with a round table and a number of chairs. As one would expect the table is too small to accommodate the number of chairs and the chairs are metal, angular and uncomfortable. Only the most unpleasant and uncomfortable will do in Satan's Court! An ample supply of pens and pencils and even color coordinated binders and clipboards will also be provided in each suite. We have also gone through the trouble of providing a full staff so that your client can experience the endless staff meeting at its most excruciating! Upon your request we can guarantee a long pointless agenda that will be carried out to the letter to include lots of verbatim reading of long boring documents OR we can provide a free fall meeting with no agenda, but lots of monotonous chatter, what should be sidebar meetings that take place during the meeting, and unrelated, personal anecdotes. And yes, there will be the one manager who likes to think out loud for ten minutes on a random topic and then play devil’s advocate to their own mental meanderings rendering the previous chatter moot.
It all depends on you and your client's personal needs. For a small extra fee, our operators will work to ensure any special details are taken care of for your client. Long staff meetings will ensure that your client's perpetuity at the Satan's Court Condominiums is memorable. In fact, the meetings are guaranteed to outlast your client's patience by at least 15 millennia! Along with the bitter knowledge that the meeting could have easily been an email with five-bullet points. And that's guaranteed! Miscommunication? Yours without asking! Snappy comments? Strong hostile undercurrents? Overzealous use of buzzwords? No action items? Threats of a future retreat that is filled with trust exercises and group projects involving macaroni? That is an integral part of our pledge of excellence here at Satan's Court Condos! Raised tempers? Insinuation of incompetence? Phyllis, the office old-timer who still uses a fax machine and never completely understands anything, who asks to “circle back” every ten minutes? At least one person talking overconfidently out of their ass? All come with signing your client's name on the contract!
As a special perk, the sacrilegious, sadistic designers hired to decorate the condos pipe in freezing cold air to keep your client alert throughout. There is no need to worry about your client nodding off in our 24-hour, 7 day a week staff meetings. That's a promise (and here we really keep our word)! If your client doesn't doodle the phrase "kill me" at least 3 times (and actual mean it to the depths of his or her soul at that moment not realizing they are already dead), we will book your client in one of our other properties at no charge. And if that still doesn't make your client rue the day he was ever born and try to kill his living corpse with his pen, we will refund your money and send your client to Purgatory (or hey, even Paradise if they qualify) at our own expense to meet with friends in the afterlife! That is certified with a warranty you can count on. SO CALL NOW TO BOOK YOUR CLIENTS INTO SATAN COURT CONDOS! LOOK FOR OUR FLYER ON OTHER UPCOMING OPPORTUNITIES:
Satan's Dysentery Cruises down the Styx Satan's Cable Customer Service Rep positions Satan's Endless Telephone Tree SATAN'S COURT - serving the agents of the damned for over 1 billion earth years! Satan's Court is a registered property of Hell. The opinions expressed here may not reflect the opinions of Satan, the Dark Lord, the Wicked Underdemons, Evil Spirits or Foul Sprites of Hell.
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